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… a little white lie. When I said I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, I lied– sort of; I made one mocking the notion of making New Year’s resolutions: mine was to DRINK MORE AND DRINK MORE FREQUENTLY (which I told to anyone who asked me what mine was).

I lied and I didn’t. It seems, according to this text from my daughter, that I took my resolution more seriously than I’d anticipated. So, in the spirit of making affirmations, something I wholeheartedly believe in, and as a bit of a revelation prompted by this text,

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I have created my own reality.

This began at a friend’s Christmas party, two weeks prior to Christmas. She had a game called Shot Roulette

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this was a game w/ played with the aid of a book called Would You Rather? The Dirty Version [which is described by Amazon as a book that] captures the sexual, the seedy, the sardonic, and the silly in the unique tone that has made the Would You Rather…? series popular with readers of all ages. Readers of all ages… now that is highly disputable!

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So, let me set the scenario for you. About 30 people at a colleague’s newish apartment– a housewarming/holiday celebration if you will– with a mixed crowd, mostly consisting of people I work w/ and those I call my friends. So the roulette game is there on the coffee table, and the book along w/ a bottle of Whipped Cream Vodka, and a bottle of something else (cinnamon flavored, I didn’t like it); we begin. My friend and I polished off the vodka and had OH-so many laughs b/c the loser (the one whose # the roulette game landed upon) had to ask one of the Would You Rather scenarios of another player… questions along the lines of would you prefer a blumpkin or a dirty sanchez? Did I know what these terms meant? Most certainly not. Nor did I know what the poop in the cup video was all about (disgusting… DO NOT VIEW!!!) or the grandmother’s reaction on you tube to the poop in a cup video (now that was funny). Suffice it to say, several shots later accompanied by an infinite amount of uncontrollable laughter, the night ended. I don’t recall much of what followed, but I do recall telling my husband we needed to do that more often.

… which is what brought me to my mock New Year’s resolution (that and a mojito incident that occurred sometime in the fall); moreover, Alexa’s text prompted me to realize this resolution as newly formed and sufficiently begun, albeit subconsciously.

So, it got me to thinking because I would certainly not characterize myself as a “drinker”

— in fact, it’s an addiction my father’s side of the family has combated for generations, and one I’ve consciously and steadfastly avoided. Furthermore, in the vein of parenting, there has always been simply too much to do the day after, not to mention that I’ve made a conscious decision to be a good role model for my children. Hence, I ask myself… What does it mean that I want to drink more? and more frequently? Do I want to set myself up to battle the demon alcohol? Most assuredly not. Do I no longer care the kind of role model I am– of course I do. I always want to be a good role model for my children, but that doesn’t mean swearing off fun. So why, then,  have I been drinking more? and more frequently?

What I’ve come up with is that I simply want to work on having more fun– bringing the spontaneity and [controlled] reckless abandonment back into my life.

I have felt so much in the middle as of late. Quite literally, in the middle of everything in my life, age-wise, work-wise, marriage-wise, parent-wise– hell, even my bucket list is dwindling. I have found myself trying on new hats, so to speak, some have been healthy and productive, while some have not. I’m not sure where I’d categorize my newfound resolution, but I’m going to go with it for a while and see.

I see this resolution as a metaphor for putting the me back into me. For so long now, I’ve been parenting and working hard to provide for my children. I (we: my husband & I) have made our children (as good parents should, I believe) the center of everything. Our “free” time was either their time (tutor, coach, fan, taxi-driver, cook, outfitter … those of you who are parents KNOW this) or we were just simply too exhausted or burnt out to do stuff for us. Not to mention that most of our friends during this time in our lives were somehow connected to what our children were doing because that is what worked. Now, in between my children going off to college and being home still but NEEDING us less & less, I find this time. Time. An unfamiliar thing to me. I think back to before I had children when my days were filled, but I’ve forgotten w/ what. I’m having to relearn how to set goals for me– independent of my children (an my husband, in some ways). Finding myself. Reinventing who I am in the middle of my life, I ask myself… What next? How do I see the next half playing out?

It’s ironic because when I had my children, as a young mother, I do absolutely remember thinking to myself… what have I done? how am I going to learn to sacrifice for all my children need of me? Funny, I hadn’t thought of that transition in a very, very long time. It was a huge learning curve, but I made it. I’m proud of the mother I’ve been and who my children are as a result. I’m proud that I found it in myself to always put them first through the time in their lives when that’s what they needed. I don’t begrudge any of the decisions I made as a mother or that Anthony and I made as a couple.

And so the tide is turning… back to Anthony and me, and, ultimately, back to myself. It’s time to rework my bucket list (that is another blog post, altogether). But,  I’m making it a priority to start working on it and what better place to begin than to put the fun back in me? So if drinking more and drinking more often is a metaphor for letting loose, lightening up, figuring out, not worrying so much about my responsibilities the morning after, living in the moment, doing what feels good– bring on the mojitos, or cable cars or whipped cream vodka shots– whatever it is that captures the me I want to be for the next half…

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(the above, another find on FB– I don’t know where it’s from, but it spoke to me as I was writing this post. A good affirmation, I think)

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